A Morning of Emtyness

i wake up at 8am in the morning, first i check my cp i got 12 messages from jaypee, one from my hipag Ruschel and the other from Glyza... hindi to' kakaiba sa lahat ng umaga na gigising aq at makikita ko ang inbox ko na puno ng messages.. i always keep my cp silent dahil ayuko kong mapuyat.. madami akong gingawa sa work and i dont want to make a mess pagdating sa trabho...

Asual, jaypoy blame me nanaman wat happened to us... ah ewan ko ba sa bf kong yun... sabi ng sabi na nakakasawa na daw yung relationship namin na ganito at ganyan but eto parin still together, kahit nga yung salitang yun hindi ko alam kung too na ahhhhhhhhh siguro wala nanamn syang practise sa racing o walang pustahan sa karera kaya ako nanaman ang napagtutuunan ng pansin... Well sa as you know (sa hindi pa nakakaalam) Jaypee (James paul Ching-Diaz) is my 2 and half year boyfriend... If you see him you didn't say na bf ko xa.. ahhhhhhhh ang dami ng qumequestion nian hindi lang kayo..... pogie daw kasi si jaypee, mayaman at wala sa tipo nia ang papatol sa katulad ko... hindi sa panglalait sa sarili but that was true kung may beauty and the beast kami ang handsome and the the ugly duck... mahirap paniwalaan but totoo. kahit aq i always question it to him kung bakit aq pa amantalang there a lot of girls in there community lalo na sa mga tropa nia.. Madalas yun ang lagi namin pinagaawayan... bakit daw kasi lagi qng tinatanong yung mga bagay na yun, bakit daw hindi ko nalang isipin na mahal ko nia ko kaya ako ang pinili nya.... well maybe its true, siguro nga dahil kung di ni naman nia aq ipaglalaban sa mommy nia....

i had to cut this story papasok pa ko sa work... see u later............

letting go... by LOVE

"You have to let him go... if you really love him, set him free.That's what true love is, setting someone you love free just to see him happy..." But how? Letting go was never easy! It's like forcing yourself to do something you didn't want. It hurts every time we try and all the crying and endless nights makes it a lot harder. It's like living without air, existing without life. It feels like a long journey where we kept on walking without any destination because we don't have any arms to belong to... Yes, it's difficult especially in the beginning. That's when you'll experience the pain and loneliness of having no arms to hold you tight, no lips to kiss you goodnight, no smile to make your days bright, and no heart for you to love and to feel loved. Sure, it does help to cry. It would help ease the burden for a while but inthe end, we'll just hurt ourselves even more. Furthermore, we'll find out that our lives are already ruined, our dreams more shattered. It would be more difficult for us to start again because we don't even know where to find the broken pieces of our heart. Heeding the saying "Fight for what you feel" may make us feel right at the moment, giving us new hope and telling us "Never give up". We won't stop till we almost done everything just to win him back. Giving him our all, our everything, and again our fragile heart that took us a long time to mend. We offered our time, our efforts, and our precious tears to make him Fall Hard again. Yet, inthe end, we find ourselves defeated, for all our efforts are thrown to waste. We'll be hopeless and helpless than ever because we knew there's nothing more that we could do. Old habits are back - crying yourself asleep, endless nights thinking of him, mourning over happy and sad memories. Worse, our life and hearts were nowhere to find for it was broken apart into million of pieces. The pain was all over again, consuming everything that we have, telling us to give up on life. Now, it would be much harder and painful to put the pieces back into their rightful places because we already gave everything until none was left for us to plant the new seed of start... Then slowly, darkness fills our soul. We wish that all these pains and agonies are just a part of some nightmare where we want to wake up already. But no matter how hard we try to open our eyes, we could see nothing but dark clouds telling us..."give up! There's no use fighting. You don't have a life anymore because he has deserted you... your very breath was taken away from you... so rest here in this cold dark place and no one shall ever hurt you again..." the deep voice was so inviting, the words are so attracting. But when we are about to let go of our last thin thread, a shining light comes and a voice from within echoes through our mind, "Don't give up! There will always be hope, you still have a life and a tomorrow waiting for you. You own your life and the air you breathe is a gift for you. Staying here would only hurt you... and double your pain." Yet the big question is. "Where Do We Start?" First, we must find the broken pieces of our life and try our very best to put them back together. There may be some instances where we can't find some missing pieces in our life which makes it harder for us to accept that our life is not complete. But we must always remember that the missing parts will be picked by worthy people and soon they will come in our lives, putting the missing pieces back into our lives making it more complete together with new meaning. Most of us say that to let him go isn't easy. But no, it wasn't "letting him go" that is difficult but the "letting ourselves go". That, is painful. It is setting our hearts free from the golden cage of love that is difficult. It's because we could never let go of someone gone long ago and was never ours. It's like a lonely nightingale left in an open cage, eagerly waiting for its love to come back. Singing sad memories of love until the time the other nightingale joins with its singing. She never went out the cage because of the endless anticipation that its most loved nightingale will return. Are we like the nightingale wasting its whole life waiting for the other nightingale, which has no intention of coming back? Remember, it is OURSELVES that we have to let go, it is OUR HEART that we have to set free. The door of the Golden cage of love is open, waiting for us to have the courage to fly away and enjoy the beauty outside it. The decision is yours, whether to stay in the cage all your life waiting for your love to come back or to be free by spreading your wings away from the cage and fly magnificently once more... one more time...

one night of being alone.....

i love of being alone...thats the only time na may panahon aq for myself... hindi ako baliw if that wat u think it just that the only time na nakikilala ko at nakikita ko ang totoong aq.... sa pagiisa ko kasi i could speak wat i want to speak.. kahit pa yung mga salitang hindi ko nakagawian sabihin,, nagagawa ko kahit sa isip ko ang tumawa kahit na alam kong kapag dumating na ang time to come back in the real work hindi ko na mararamdaman ang tunay na kahulugan ng pagtawa....

Sa hindi pa nakakakilala sakin Ako nga po pala si Kathrina Sodel Santiago Cruz, 23 years old, naninirahan sa Vancouver, Canada pero lumaki ako at nakaisip sa Taytay, Rizal sa Pilipinas ang bansang aking sinilangan.... i'm living with my two brother (kris and John ) and my Mommy. My father was dead since i was grade five..... status ko...... "cOmPliCaTeD" coz i dont even know if i have boyfriend or wala na.... i was 21 ng mapunta kami dito sa canada... 13 years na kaming di nagkakasama ng mommy ko kaya mahirap ang mag adjust pero sa awa ng dios nakakaya pa naman... I have two job parehong cashier pero dun sa permanent at regular qng trabaho isa qng supervisor... Nagtapos aq ng colehiyo sa Pilipinas... Bachelor of Science in Elementary Education ang natapos q... pero di ko na yun nagamit dahil after a year na maka grad aq naapproved na yung pitition paper namin... okei naman sa canada nung Una, mahirap kasi naninimbang ka pa... bagong invironment, bagong klima, bagong tao sa buhay mo........

Before we got in this place madami na kong nabuong pangarap, imahinasyon ng isang magandang buhay at masayang pamilya... pero sabi ko nga "PANGARAP lang." kung tatabungin mo ko nun kung saan ang gusto ko sa Pinas o sa CANADA, i answer u sa canada, nandito ang pera, nandito ang masagang buhay pero habang tumatagal unti unti kong nakikita ang tunay na kahugkangan ng lahat ng meron ako... i never say this para sa lahat ng tao, may kanya kanya taung opinyon at pananaw, paniniwala at pinaniniwalaan... siguro para lang talaga sakin bcoz i never been happy since i was here... masaya kung sa masaya pero alam mo yun may hinahanap ka na alam mo kung saan mo matatagpuan pero u need to choice and for that u need someting to sacrifice..Siguro may mga tao na okei lang sa kanila na tumawa kahit hindi masaya. nakangiti kahit na hihirapan... i know kaepokretahan ang sinasabi ko pero just for me mas masarap kung naghihirap ka man pero kasama mo naman yung mga taong mahal mo,, yung mga taong nagpapasaYA SAYO, yung mga taong pinagkukuhanan mo ng lakas at nagbibigay sayo ng dahilan para lumaban... i dont know if theres some one na maiintindihan ako pero ang totoo hindi ako masaya kung nasan ako ngayon,,,,, nandito nga pamilya ko, kapatid at nanay pero i never been feel i have that mas naramdaman ko pa yung magkaroon ng kapatid nung nandun aq sa pilipinas kahit papano kahit madalas kaming magkakaaway kapag may nangapi sa isa samin were always there para ipagtanggol ang isa... noon yung dati na nasa pilipinas pa ko kahit hindi ko kasama si mommy i feel na love nia ko dahil she always listen to my story, she always asked "hows my day" pero ng nandito na kami ewan ko naiwan nang lahat yun sa pilipinas.. kasama ko parin yung mga kapatid ko pero hindi na kami ang magkakampi kung di sila nalang... noong di ko xa kasama pero i feel her love being my mom but no i dont know parang hindi nia ko anak.. well ano pa ba aasahan ko nun pa man i feel na hindi sya malapit sakin... kaya nga mas closed ako kay daddy... pero talaga daw ganun ang buhay "u can always get want u want".........